It’s come to my attention over the past few visits that there are some apparently new patrons of Gourmet Garage on Mercer and Broome that do not yet know the rules of engagement there, and are wreaking havoc and causing general chaos.

So, for these people, and anyone who needs a refresher course, here are the rules you must abide by in and around Gourmet Garage on Mercer and Broome during lunch hours.

Entering the building:
PULL the handle of the door.  do not push it, or sneak in past other people who are already opening it.

No matter how tempting, DO NOT enter via the side door on Mercer Street!!!  The flow of traffic is designed so people EXIT through that door.  The big tip off there is that it’s right beyond ALL of the checkout lanes, and you must push your way through said checkout lanes to the merchandise if you enter that way.  People who do this should be punished.
Front area -  fruit,  bread, flowers:
once inside - DO NOT stop to look around.  If you happen to be buying flowers or packaged berries, please determine what you want before entering, and grab said item while still in motion.  If you must stop, stop in front of the Naked Juice fridge, because I don’t need to go over there.  Or veer left toward the bread.

Prepared Food area, or “the danger zone”:
If you see people standing near the soup area not doing anything, odds are that they are waiting to get soup.  This means that you should NOT grab a container as fast as you can and squeeze in front of them, assuming that they are standing there just for kicks.   Get in line.  (and next time you see people standing in front of an elevator, don’t go push the again button like you always do).

The same goes for the sushi and sandwich ordering area.  If you’re confused, say “have you ordered yet?” to the other people.  And if you have ordered, move your carcass.

As for coffee — get it somewhere else.   You’re blocking the prepared salads just to get some crappy Peets coffee from a coffee-dispenser-machine thing.  Go to Starbucks.

Chip Alley and the Drink Cooler
This is an area that seems safe because you’re out of the danger zone and couldn’t possibly do any harm, but you’re wrong.  Chip Alley is one of the only paths to the Drink Cooler, and standing there deliberating over which kind of Stacy’s Pita Chips you should get is NOT OK.  If you want chips, make it quick.  If you are flirting with the idea of getting chips but know that you really shouldn’t, then move along.

Again, for the drink cooler — make it quick. You may think that you want to try Mash soda because it comes in a cute bottle, but we all know you’re going to get the Diet Coke so just get it over with, and save us all the grief.

Dried fruit and nut section:
Just hug the shelf if you’re going to get something here - and try not to wildly gesticulate to friends about the yogurt-covered pretzels, clotheslining other customers in the process (this happened).

The Back Half - cheese, seafood, veggies
eh, I don’t really go over there, so do whatever you want.

Checkout
ALL THE LINES ARE THE SAME.  I repeat, ALL THE LINES ARE THE SAME.  Pacing slowly back and forth debating which one will move a fraction of a second faster slows us all down.

If you want candy, that is fine.  Stand behind or next to the people in line, and pick your stupid chocolate bar.  Do not get in one line, look at the candy from that vantage point, and then shuffle through people to check if there is different candy in another line.   All their candy sucks anyway, except for the Honeez and the Ghirardelli squares, and those are in every line. (See above — ALL LINES ARE THE SAME).

Exiting the building:
Finish checking out, grab your napkins/spoons/whatever, and go OUTSIDE.  If you are waiting for your friend, they will inevitably exit out of that door, and you will be reunited. You do not need to wait inside.

Helpful Hints:
If the soup you want has run out, just pick something else.  It will take them forever to bring more.

“Order a sandwich, lose an hour” - Not an old wives tale, it’s true.  They are mindnumbingly slow. Even with the sandwiches on their own menu.

Heirloom tomatoes are supposed to look like that.  You’re not going to find a better looking one.  Move on, please.